Dear Mario,

It’s over. You win. You’ve almost completely defeated my army. I spent yesterday afternoon calling Goomba wives and informing them that their husbands were killed in action. Have you ever heard a Goomba woman cry? It’s haunting.

Today I have to ask my supplier for a new shipment of Bob-ombs. They don’t come cheap, you know. We have special camps set up in Saudi Arabia. It typically takes five years to convince a Bob-omb to leave his family and join the cause. Then we have to get him here. Do you know how difficult it is to get a Bob-omb past airport security?

You’ve taken all of my gold coins. I know it wasn’t a good idea to split up my assets and hold them in easily breakable blocks, but we all get bad financial advice sometimes. Now I have to explain to the bank that I need to default on my mortgage. Do you have any idea how expensive my mortgage payments are? I live in a fucking castle.

Those Shy Guys you killed… want to know why they wear masks? Because they’re burn victims. I hope you’re proud of yourself.

Consider this both a surrender and apology. I will agree to leave the Princess in a safe location if you halt your assault toward my castle.

Truly sorry,
Bowser

Dear Luigi,

My pleas to your brother fell on deaf ears, so I’m hoping to appeal to the more reasonable of the Mario Brothers. Speaking of which, Mario Brothers? What’s up with that?

Consider this a formal invitation to join my army. I can put you in charge of an entire squad of Koopa Troopas. They’re unfailingly loyal and will follow your every command, so long as your every command is “keep walking in one direction.”

The Koopas with red shells will turn around when they reach a cliff, although the green ones will not. The green ones are not very smart. Not that people who wear green are always dumber than the ones who wear red, of course. Although I did hear Mario say that once.

Enclosed you will find a Fire Flower. Bet you’ve never seen one of these, huh? Bet your big brother hogs them all. Maybe you should use it to stop him from reaching my castle. Maybe it’s Luigi’s time to shine. Super Luigi World. Just think about it.

Best,
Bowser

Dear Princess,

I realize that kidnapping you was a terrible, terrible thing to do. I’m sorry. That said, please tell Mario to stop. He’s right in front of my castle, and if he gets any closer he’s going to die.

Seriously, I’m writing this letter for Mario’s own good. I have some nasty fireballs that are really hard to jump over. And skeletons that keep coming back to life no matter how many times anyone tries to jump on them. It’s really just a huge death trap. There’s absolutely no way any plumber could get past all of my minions, especially those tricky bright balls that follow predefined patterns. Those are impossible to jump over.

Plus, I only placed a few power-up blocks in the whole castle. Like, less than five. That means he can only get damaged a bunch of times before he dies for good. Well, unless he finds those extra lives, but they’re hidden really well.

And even if he does try to fight me, I’m totally invincible. There’s no way he could possibly reach the axe that lowers the bridge I’m standing on. It’s all the way behind me—he’ll get killed if he even tries to get close. Definitely no way for him to plunge me into the river of lava I keep in my bedroom.

All you have to do is go outside and tell him to stop. For real. I’ll even let you go. Promise.

Thanks in advance,
Bowser

To Whom It May Concern,

On July 16, 1987, my castle disintegrated. I am filing a claim for the amount of ten million (10,000,000) gold coins due to negligence on the part of your architectural design firm whilst planning out and constructing this property.

Castles should not fall apart when their owners drop into lava.

Consider this letter a formal demand for the amount requested. I have had considerable pain and suffering as a result of this incompetency. Please respond to this claim within the next 7 days, as after that I will be kidnapping a princess in space.

Sincerely,
Bowser